The Talk: Simaril Style
by Simaril
Summary: Edward - Breaking Dawn: "I spoke to Carlisle after you and I made our bargain, hoping he could help me." He was sooo wrong.


**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Huge hugs and kisses to gredelina1 for beta'ing this for me. **

**In Breaking Dawn Edward said he went to Carlisle for advice after he and Bella made their deal. This is how **_**I**_** think it would have gone…**

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><p><strong>The Talk<strong>

**EPOV**

I stood outside Carlisle's study door and took a deep breath, I can do this, I _had _to do this for my Bella.

"Come in, Edward," Carlisle's voice came from behind the closed door.

I opened the door and saw him standing before the mirror on the wall, he was twisting locks of hair trying to get it to spike.

"Ummm Carlisle, what are you doing?" I asked.

"Some kid called me Grandpa today at work. I think I need to change my style up a bit. I am _not_ anyone's grandpa; I'm only 367 for god's sake!"

"Practically an infant" I said dryly.

"I know right!" he said completely missing my sarcasm. He gathered his hair in an Elvis-esque quaff and examined his reflection. "What do you think? I remember Emmett sporting a similar style recently."

"Actually that was the fifties, Carlisle; the styles have changed slightly since then."

"Damn, oh well I'll get Alice to fix me up with something." He said moving to his desk and thumping down in his chair. There was a loud fart sound and he jumped up again holding a now deflated whoopee cushion. "Dammit Emmett! I swear if he doesn't grow up soon I'm stopping his allowance."

I knew I needed to interrupt him now before he could get into a rant about 'the youth of today' and how he managed on a farthing a month when he was young, and we didn't know how good we had it.

"Bella wants to have sex!" I blurted.

"Well I'm a little busy at the moment, and to be honest Edward that's more your responsibility than mine."

I rolled my eyes. This was going to take a while.

"She wants to have sex with me," I explained. "She will marry me if I have sex with her on our wedding night."

"Well that's a relief, I was flattered, not to mention tempted, but I don't think Esme would go for it. Remember what she did when Tanya tried to join in when we were living in Denali?"

I chuckled, that was a particularly fond memory of mine. "She was able to reattach her arm eventually," I reminded. "And I doubt Tanya misses that toe all that much."

"She deserved it, shameless strumpet!" Esme called from the lounge.

Carlisle smiled fondly. They had an interesting relationship, one might even say insane, but they hid it well. Between Carlisle's scarves and Esme's twin-sets you'd never suspect they were in fact raging nymphos.

"Anyway, as I said Bella wants to have sex and I need some advice," I said, bringing him out of his x-rated musings, sometimes being a mind reader really was a burden.

"You came to the right man," he said rubbing his hands together. "I recommend missionary for your first time, but once you've got that out of the way there are many other positions you can try." He jumped to his feet and started pulling books from the shelves.

"This one has lovely illustrations," he said handing me a copy of the Karma Sutra. "You're mother is a fan of the _Indrani_ pose and I like _The Pair of Tongs _but I don't think Bella has the upper body strength for that. Pity really." He pointed to an illustration of the _Indrani _pose and I dropped the book in shock.

"Carlisle, that's not exactly what I meant, I wanted advice on how we could… you know…without me hurting her.

"Lubricant," he said simply. "I cannot stress enough the importance of lubricant."

He rummaged in his desk drawer and produced a tube of KY jelly. I did _not _want to know why that was there, unfortunately I got the visual from his thoughts anyway. There are some things in life that haunt you, and the image of my father jacking off to a nineteenth century lingerie catalogue was one of them.

"I meant how do I control my strength?"

"Good point, there are some parts of a woman that are more sensitive than others, trust me when I say you poke _that_ with a little too much force and you end up hunting the garden for the appendage your wife just tossed out of the window. It may look like a door bell but in fact it isn't" He gripped his groin protectively, "Still, it fused on again alright eventually."

"What if I hurt her? What do I do?" I pleaded. I was seriously regretting my choice to come to Carlisle for advice after all, maybe I would have been better off asking Alice.

"You could _hurt_ her I suppose," he said thoughtfully. "You'd have to be careful, and make sure you agree on a safety word first. Some couples enjoy a little power play, I know Emmett and Rosalie make regular use of the basement for such a thing. Emmett, could you join us please?" he called.

A moment later Emmett strolled in, trailed by an embarrassed looking Jasper and an eager Alice.

"S'up Eddie, you want advice on how to rock Bella's world? You came to the right man."

I ignored him and turned to Alice, surely she would help me. "Alice, do you have any advice for me?"

"Yep, erogenous zone," she said happily. "It's all about the foreplay; you have to prep the oven before you get cooking."

Oh dear lord.

"Personally I like my breasts and ankles to be stimulated, but Bella may be different."

"You gotta find P-stop," Emmett said.

"G-Spot moron," Jasper snorted.

"Close enough," Emmett shrugged.

"I like it when Jasper bites my neck but that may be a problem with Bella being so breakable…"

"Esme likes me to use the riding crop…"

"Rosie likes it when I call her…"

"Have you considered using some toys…"

Their voices were bombarding me and the visual demonstrations I was getting from their thoughts weren't any better. I was losing my tenuous grip on sanity.

"Hey, Edward are you okay?"

"WHAT ABOUT THE BLOOD!" I bellowed, finally goaded past endurance.

"Now Edward," Carlisle said sternly. "I know you have mastered your temptation for Bella's scent but I think including blood play is asking for trouble."

"Maybe if he hunts first…"

"Ooh blood play, I wish my Rosie was…"

"I think something is wrong with Edward, his emotions are…"

I slid to the floor, curled into the fetal position and sucked my thumb.

Screw promises, Bella was going to die a virgin, this was too much to handle.

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><p><strong>Sooo what did you think?<strong>

**Seeing as Edward has had 'the talk' I think Bella needs to have the same talk with Charlie. Keep an eye out for an update!**


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